When we wrote the book, Don’t Date Naked, we wrote it because we had to. We were so passionate about young adults learning that they could be successful in dating, that we put it in to book format. There is something new we are getting passionate about and that I know is going to lead to a new book.
What does love mean to you? What does love REALLY mean to you? Through the centuries love has been defined in many different ways. When I look around at American weddings and marriages, I am starting to see a very disturbing trend developing. Love is beginning to look a lot like happiness. Many people I encounter through our MRI program and as a pastor believe the following, “If I am happy, then I am loving.” Love has become the result of how we feel and whether or not we are experiencing joy and happiness.
So if I am in a relationship where I feel good and am being treated well, then I love. This kind of thinking is beginning to seriously undermine the health of all relationships in America (not just marriages but parents to children and children to parents and so forth). In essence, love follows good feelings.
This kind of view toward love is faulty, however. My father’s first marriage seminar was titled, Love is a Decision. That seminar was created more than 35 years ago, but it couldn’t be more relevant for today’s culture. We need a lot more decisions and a lot less feelings.
In order for a relationship to be successful, you need to be committed to it 100 percent. I just finished a three-hour session with a couple where the wife told her husband that she is committed to him no matter what, no matter how bad the marriage gets, and no matter what he does (of course this does not mean allowing for affairs or emotional and physical abuse). He had a hard time accepting her stance for their marriage. He could not wrap his mind around the fact that even though things were not going the wife’s way, she was still committed. He said to me, “Why would anyone want to stay in a marriage when they are not happy?” His question represents, in a dramatic way, what our culture believes about love. He then went on to say that she is “crazy” for believing this way and turned to me asking, “Do you seriously support her in this?”
Yes. Yes I do.
She made a vow to both her husband and God the day she chose to get married. That vow means something to the wife, even when things are not going well. Does love mean never quitting? Yes it does. There are no excuses for love. We can not get to a place where we can justify not loving our spouse or child because of their sinful behavior. As far as I can tell from reading scripture, the bible never gives us an out on quitting love. Jesus did not quit on us and I believe that Jesus does not want us to quit on others.
Amy had a profound insight last week and this is the perfect time and place to share it with you. I have been preaching at several churches lately, and my message has included a little bit of direction and understanding on Paul’s view on salvation and Jame’s view on Christians. When you read any of Paul’s letters where he addresses salvation, you get a clear message that there is nothing you can do to earn salvation. Salvation is a gift from God and there are no amount of works you can do to ever earn the gift. We Christians love Paul’s stance and embrace it wholeheartedly. It is not by works, but by faith that we can come in to a personal and real relationship with Jesus.
But when you read James, he says something that feels very contradictory to what Paul wrote in his letters. James blatantly writes that it is not by faith but by works. Are Paul and James contradicting one another? I know that atheists and Christian haters have argued that through the centuries, but is it true? Do Paul and James have opposite and opposing views on faith?
The answer is no, and this can easily be discovered by looking at the audience each author was writing to. Paul was writing to the heathens, gentiles, and basically all of those who were not in a relationship with Christ. James was writing to fellow Christians. The audience the two apostles were writing to makes a major impact on understanding their messages.
When James wrote that it is not by faith but by works, he was challenging the Christian that if you believe in Jesus, then you need to prove that belief. You can not simply say that you believe, but then go on with life and live with bitterness, hatred, or unforgiveness. When we believe in Jesus, then our attitude and behavior changes, because Jesus is the great healer and changer of lives! Our works prove our faith!
Amy’s insight was that you can take this same concept and apply it to marriage. Once I say, “I do”, then my actions need to prove my love for Amy. I can not assume that Amy feels love, I need to go out there and prove it every day of my life, especially when things are hard. If Amy had an accident and became paralyzed, does that give me an excuse to leave her because she has so dramatically changed? No. But that is an easy example.
What if your spouse is making poor financial decisions, watching porn, or simply not being kind to you? What now? Do we have the excuse to quit because we are not experiencing the kind of love we had expected when we chose to get married? No. The danger in American society today is that too many people quit because things are simply not going well for them. This attitude is dangerious, lazy, and weak.
I apologize if this offends you, but I have to say it, I am obligated from my very being to say it. No matter how tough the situation gets (and again, I’m not talking to those in physcially or emotionally abusive relationships), you have to do the right thing, and the right thing is to always be patient, kind, merciful, gracious, forgiving, and unyeilding in your commitment to others.
Love never quits.
