God has given you the ability to choose. Next to the gift of His Son Jesus, this is the most precious gift you possess. It’s what separates you from all other forms of life on this planet. Making choices allows you to tap into strengths you never thought you had and exercise the power to change whatever needs changing in your life. Whatever grief or anger or pain you may feel about your marriage, you have the power within you to do something about it. You are not a victim. You are free to choose to act, to change. God has given you a huge reservoir of talent, creativity, knowledge, self-worth, energy, and love. You have the freedom to change your negative responses to your mate’s behavior and draw on these God-given assets to do the right and helpful thing. Making this choice can introduce a redemptive force for positive change in your marriage.
For marriage choices it narrows down to two critical things every married individual must exercise: unconditional love and personal responsibility. Unconditional love means you accept and cherish your mate as he or she is. Personal responsibility means you take charge of correcting your own faults instead of your mate’s. That, in a nutshell, is it. Intimacy, happiness, growth, communication and all the other vital aspects of a good marriage grow out of these two choices. If both partners recognize this fact, there will be no victims in the marriage. Each person’s happiness will rest entirely in his or her own hands. And the end result is the safety and security that every marriage must have in order to thrive.
Do you believe this? Really believe this? Since it’s my contention that all behavior is a result of what we believe, this is a crucial question. Do you believe that you can take personal responsibility for the success of your marriage? If you don’t, then you must believe the opposite—that your spouse or circumstances are in control of what happens to you. You must believe that you are a victim. Therefore you must react and put the blame on your mate when the marriage does not meet your expectations. This is a tragedy, because when you blame your mate you not only divest yourself of your responsibility, you also reduce the choices you have to change the relationship. You forfeit the ability to control your own destiny.
So if you want your marriage to be the most exciting and rewarding journey of your life, the question to ask is not whether your mate is doing enough to make the marriage work, but rather: Are you loving your mate unconditionally by taking responsibility for your role in the relationship? A good way to turn this intention into a commitment is to make a promise of it. Promise to look at yourself first, to take responsibility for your own part of the marriage, and to stop trying to change your mate. Such a promise puts legs on unconditional love. It says you are willing to put your personal dreams and needs on hold for a while and make what’s best for the relationship a priority.

Connecting to the Right Power Source
By Gary Smalley

On board my sparkling new party boat were my guests, a missionary family of seven. I had bragged to them about my new boat, how wonderful it was and what a great time we’d have on the lake. Now we were ready to cast off, loaded with a picnic lunch, fishing gear, water skis, and everything else needed for water fun.
Hamming it up, I told the young kids to give me a count down. Five…Four…Three…Two…One…Blastoff! I turned the ignition and away from the dock we flew like a rocket ship from its launch pad. I overheard the five-year-old boy say to his father, “This is the coolest boat on the lake!” I loved it. I was in boat heaven. But then something happened; the engine stopped and we started losing speed.
“Don’t worry everyone; I’ll have this fixed in a second.” I turned the ignition key several times and the engine roared back to life. Once again we were off. But then it happened again. The engine died. What was going on? This pattern of the engine starting and stopping went on for the next few minutes. I checked the gas level, oil, and anything else I could possibly think of to create the illusion that I knew what I was doing. But no matter what I did, shortly after I’d get the engine running, it would die.
“Why won’t this boat work!” My voice boomed across the lake. I was completely frustrated and totally embarrassed. “Nothing is made with quality any more.” I wanted to sink that stupid boat right then and there, but I figured that drowning a missionary wouldn’t help my reputation.
That’s when Greg said, “Hey, Dad, what’s this cord for? Every time I pull it, the engine stops.” And then he started laughing. That cord was the emergency engine kill. I had been ready to blow up my boat, while all along it had been Greg playing a practical joke on me. At that moment I understood how it was possible for Abraham to place his son upon an altar.
For a boat, or anything electrical to function as it was designed, it needs to be connected to a power source. If human relationships are to function as they were designed, they too need to be connected to a power source. It’s as if you have a built-in battery that needs daily charges to keep you feeling complete and satisfied. For a long time I believed that I could keep that battery charged if I just plugged a 110-volt electrical cord into other people or my wife. Many of us enter marriage looking to our mate as the source of that power charge. We think, “Now that I have this person in my life, I am really going to have my needs met and be happy.” We ultimately find, however, that our mates cannot recharge our battery. Indeed, husbands and wives can be frustrating and irritating and drain away more emotional energy than they give. Our mates can be tremendous sources of help and encouragement, but if we expect them to be the source of our happiness, they are sure to disappoint us in the long run.
When coming face-to-face with this inevitable disappointment, many people assume they must have married the wrong person. Some may resort to an affair to recharge their battery. The stolen charge may light up the circuits for a moment, but after the glow fades they will feel emptier and more miserable than before. Even if they divorce and remarry the “right person,” they will encounter the same frustration. The problem is not in the person they marry; it is in their expectations that that person will make them happy and keep them charged day after day. Wrong.
Sooner or later we run headlong into an inescapable fact: no person on earth is capable of giving us the fulfillment we crave. We can never plug in to enough people to keep our lives filled with the happiness we want. It’s no wonder so many people consider suicide as a way out. By depending on people to make us happy, we not only miss the positive emotions we crave, we also saddle ourselves with the very negative emotions we want to avoid—deep frustration, disappointment, hurt feelings, worry, anxiety, fear, unrest, uncertainty, and confusion. These emotions are the inevitable result of depending on a person, place, or thing for your fulfillment. Bottom line: We’re just not wired to plug into other people as our power source. God made a way for us to find fulfillment and true happiness. God created us. God designed us for a relationship with Him. But the power cord must be connected through His son Jesus Christ. Jesus himself said he was the way to connect to God.

The Verse: Psalm 22:23 “Shout Hallelujah, you God-worshipers; give glory, you sons of Jacob; adore him, you daughters of Israel.” (The Message)

The thought:

We teach our children weekly that the three most important things in life are to honor God, honor others, and honor ourselves. This morning we are focusing on honoring God.

The questions:

1. Why is it important to honor God?
2. What does giving God honor as a family look like?
3. How does God honor us?

I admit the Bible can sometimes be difficult to interpret and understand. However, when it comes to the command to forgive, the Bible is very obvious in what is expected of Christians. “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your sister or brother has something against you leave your gift there in front of the alter. “First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift,”
—Matthew 5:23-24.

It is next to impossible to have an open heart, receptive to God’s will, if we are in serious conflict with others. God desires a sincere gift, not tarnished with unreconciled differences and past hurts. We are responsible to make sure people we have offended, or been offended by, are freed from the bondage’s of anger, vengeance, or hate.

So is anyone excluded from receiving our forgiveness? According to Matthew 5:44-48, even our enemies are worthy of forgiveness:

“But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”.What a verse! Again it touches on the very nature of our incredible God who is merciful and gracious to all. We are called to be perfect, “as your heavenly Father is perfect”. Understanding that we cannot be perfect while existing on this planet, the verse is calling us to strive for Christ’s perfection. Christ’s willingness to love those who were unlovable. To care for those who were prostitutes, thieves, and yes, even tax collectors. To forgive those who most offend us. Why our enemies? God knows how much unresolved anger kills the spirit within, and designs this command to help free us from eternal regret.

No one is to be excluded from our forgiveness. Some of the greatest verses exploring the complexity of forgiveness are Romans 12:14-21. We will quote the passage at length because of their foundational quality regarding forgiveness:

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live I harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary:
‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’”.We are encouraged to bless people who persecute us. To some Christians, and probably many nonChristians, this seems very masochistic. Bless our enemies! Sure, if we were Christ maybe we could pull that off, but we are human. Remember, being human means we are created in God’s image, therefore we have the capacity to pull this off. Trust in God that this humanitarian rule serves to better the human condition rather than defile it. Think of all the hate crimes that never seem to find a resolution. This idea of blessing reminds us of turning the other cheek. Evil begets evil and love begets love.

In the passage we also read, “In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head”. When I first read this passage I imagined that forgiveness and love toward those who hurt us is painful for the perpetrator. My mind wanted to believe that loving and forgiving made evil people suffer. However, this was not Christ’s message. In further study I learned the custom of placing hot coals on someone’s head was actually a kind gesture. A surprise to me! I’m not sure how I would receive someone placing hot coals on my head. But it was a different time.

Placing coals on someone’s head was helpful because it kept the weary traveler warm throughout the cold desert nights. It was a way of honoring someone. This is why we are commanded to forgive. Remember the “Golden Rule”? We need to do for others what we would want done to us. Would we want someone to refuse to forgive us because we sinned against him or her?

I’m reading the USA Today yesterday morning and see a picture of a 79 year-old woman robbing a bank.  Why would a 79 year-old woman rob a bank?  So this question got me thinking about life and relationship in general, which is hopefully why you read this blog

I believe a 79 year-old woman robs a bank because hope has been lost.  People do desperate things in desperate times.  This woman chose to rob a bank.  You might choose to divorce your husband.  I might choose to eat an entire cake made by my mother-in-law (if you’ve had one of her cakes, then you understand).

Hope is one of the most important things we need in our relationships.  My wife and I run a retreat called the Marriage Restoration Retreat.  The retreat is mainly for couples who feel stuck and need help in gaining positive momentum in their relationship.  The main, and most important, prequalification for attending one of our marriage retreats is that a couple believes a miracle could occur in their marriage.  No matter how bad it has gotten, or how deep they feel the pit is, if they believe a miracle could occur – then hope has not been lost.

If you believe in Christ you might be thinking, “How could anyone who believes in God ever think that a miracle couldn’t happen?”  You’d be surprised.  It doesn’t happen a lot, but I’ve asked this question to hundreds of couples through the years and I’ve heard people say, “I don’t believe a miracle is possible.”  At which I say, “It was nice meeting you.”

If hope is gone then nothing can happen.  Even the tiniest sliver of hope can result in a miracle.

Have you ever been to the mouth of the Mississippi river?  If you have, then you know what a little thing can lead to.

In my devlotional yesterday (I’m reading “Be Still: 31 Days to a Deeper Meditative Prayer Life”.), I read Isaiah 32:17-18 four times using the Read, Reflect, Respond, Relax method utilized in the devotional. Verse 17 reads, “The fruit of righteousness will be peace;
the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever.”

So I think a great question is, “What is righteousness?”

Here’s a definition I found over at DiscipleshipTools.org:

Righteousness is defined as conformity to God’s Law, both from our heart and deeds, inside and outside. No one can attain it apart from perfect adherence to the law; Christ was the only one in all of human history to do it. No one can attain it without Divine intervention; righteousness to please God must come from God Himself. Because we all are corrupted by sin, and unable to live according to God’s perfect standards. Thus it must be a gift from God! Even though some people are better than others, your neighbor versus Stalin, both are guilty in view of God’s perspective. (vs. 1: 10; 17). Our only hope is in the Person and Work of our Lord.

What do you think righteousness is?  Let me know

Isaiah 33:14-17

14 The sinners in Zion are rightly terrified;
the godless are at their wit’s end:
‘Who among us can survive this firestorm?
Who of us can get out of this purge with our lives?’”

15 The answer’s simple:
Live right,
speak the truth,
despise exploitation,
refuse bribes,
reject violence,
avoid evil amusements.

16 This is how you raise your standard of living!
A safe and stable way to live.
A nourishing, satisfying way to live.
God Makes All the Decisions Here

17 Oh, you’ll see the king—a beautiful sight!
And you’ll take in the wide vistas of land.

My wife and I help couples in crisis through our Marriage Restoration Intensive program. These verses were part of my daily reading, but I felt like they were perfect verses for anyone going through a struggle or a hurting marriage.

I tell individuals all the time, “You can’t lose if you do the right thing.” This doesn’t mean that life is easy, because sometimes the right thing to do is also the toughest thing to do. But in the end, when it really matters, you can’t lose because God will not forget how you handled yourself and you will be blessed!

by Michael Smalley, M.A.

We live in a fallen world. We are going to make mistakes that not only affect ourselves, but the people around us. Particularly the people that are most important to us, and there is no relationship more influential than the marital relationship. But why is forgiveness important?

I will offer three major reasons why forgiveness is important for your relationship with your mate. The first reason is the reality we are made in God’s image. Being made in God’s image carries with it a tremendous amount of honor and responsibility. Honor in knowing our innate value because of our likeness with the Creator. Responsibility because it is God’s nature to forgive.

1 John 1:9 reads, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” If we are to strive to be more Christ like in everything we do, then forgiveness is incredibly important. If God’s nature did not consist of forgiveness, where would we be? God knows the awesome power of forgiveness, and God graciously uses it to cleanse us all of our sins.

It is our nature to hunger for God, and to be in God’s light. Most people, if given the choice between two tunnels, one with light at the end and the other a cavernous black, would choose the tunnel with the light. We work better in the light, we see better in the light, and are usually less afraid in the light. “Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. But whoever hates his brother (i.e. does not forgive or reconcile) is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him (1 John 2:10).” When we refuse to follow in God’s likeness and will, we only find pain and suffering.

The second reason why forgiveness is important lies in the essence of love. Forgiveness is one of the only ways we can love like God loves. When we decide to forgive someone of wrongfully harming us, we are deciding to love him or her unconditionally. The French writer and moralist, Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, wrote in the 1600’s “We pardon to the extent that we love”. If we choose not to forgive, then we are putting up limits and boundaries to our love for other people. Doubtlessly the greatest verses on love are in 1 Corinthians 13. They are quoted in weddings, sonnets, and aspiring romances. The verses speak of what love is, and how we should go about the business of love. All we will quote here is the last verse in this passage, 1 Corinthians 13:13 reads, “And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Thirdly, forgiveness is freeing to the soul. Forgiveness allows us to break the bonds of anger, rage, hatred, and vengeance. All these lead down the path of destruction. They are like toxins to the soul, and forgiveness is the cleanser. Much of the work in therapy often focuses around the issue of forgiveness. Anger, rage, hatred, and vengeance prevent us from growing to become the mature adults God intends us to be.

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

Play the Podcast

What does it take to find strength in God? Listen to our latest (unedited) family devotional to find out.

Isaiah 40:29 “He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts.”

Finding strength in God

Possible family questions:

1. What does it look like if you are depending on God?
2. How have you depended on God before, and how has God given you strength?
3. What would you prayer sound like if you were asking God for strength?

Humility is the supreme virtue according to Calvin, not only in attitude but in all of life. The Christian’s humility should shine forth into the pompous darkness of this world. It is neither our eloquence nor our brilliance that directs men to God; rather, it is God who directs men to Himself through the seeming foolishness of preaching. Consequently, humility should conquer our minds and transform our hearts, arising from our study of God’s majesty in His majestic Word.

Humility as Supreme Virtue