If you feel stuck and in a miserable marriage because some sort of tragedy has happened (like finding out about an affair), then watch and see what Amy Smalley has to say to encourage you!

I’ve been a supporter of Tiger ever since he burst on to the scene as a professional golfer, and honestly, even before that when he was winning amateur championships. It pains me to see what he is going through and to be hearing all the rumors of sex with other women. Things seem to be getting worse for Tiger, and sponsors may be starting to rethink their support. Tiger is on every newspaper, magazine, and TV news-lead in the country, but no one is talking about his potential sexual addiction.

If the rumors are true, and some very damaging evidence is coming out daily to prove these women’s stories, then Tiger is not just having affairs, he’s in the midst of a potential sexual addiction. Did you know The National Council on Sexual Addiction Compulsivity estimated that:

6%-8% of Americans are sex addicts, which is 16 million-21.5 million people. (Source: Cooper, Alvin, Dana E. Putnam, Lynn A. Planchon, and Sylvain C. Boies. “Online Sexual Compulsivity: Getting Tangled in the Net.” Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 6:79-104.)

Sexual addiction is not rampant, but it certainly is affecting a lot of people in the United States. What is sexual addiction? PsychCentral.com gives a good definition:

Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.

For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape.

In normal terms, someone with a sexual addiction is not just struggling with affairs or pornography, they are totally engrossed in these activities. It’s like they can not stop themselves and their behavior dramatically hurts their families and work life. Addiction is a horrible thing for people because many addicts do not want to do what ever it is they are addicted to, and most feel horrible about their addiction, but they can not stop themselves without a serious intervention.

I hope Tiger gets his intervention. He needs one and I know he is involved in marital counseling, but he is going to need individual work as well.

Why do people have affairs? I’ve counseled many couples in crisis due to the damaging experience of an affair or infidelity and the victimized spouse almost always wants to know why. Why would he do this to me? Why would she need another man? The questions are painful and filled with hurt, anger, and frustration.

Smart Marriages is an organization founded and directed by Diane Sollee and I get Diane’s newsletter each week (sometimes daily). Peggy Vaughan recently wrote to Diane about the societal factors of infidelity, in other words, a powerful reason why someone might seek out an affair:

Dear Diane,

I just watched Oprah which featured a rare on-camera interview with an Amishcouple (taped prior to the Amish school shooting). The interview revealed that in Amish marriages, there are NO divorces and NO extramarital affairs.

As you know, beginning with the initial publication of “The Monogamy Myth” in 1989, I have advocated looking beyond just the personal failures of individuals or particular marriages to recognize that “societal factors” also play a role in affairs.

The Amish society is quite different from our more general society… which leads their attitudes about marriage to be drastically different as well.

Below are some quotes from the interview that demonstrate this:

Oprah: “What happens if you get tired of each other? What if you say, ‘I don’t want to be married to you anymore?’”

Amish: You go into marriage knowing this is for keeps. There is no divorce. You work on it, you talk about it, you go for counseling if need be.”

Oprah: “Is there any adultery?”

Amish: “No, not that I know of.”

Finally, perhaps the most amazing and inspiring comment of all: “We’re really happy. We have 100% contentment.”

Most of us think everything about the Amish way of life would be impossible, but their lives provide hope that it’s possible to change the larger society’s attitudes about marriage and about extramarital affairs.

Peggy Vaughan
website: http://www.dearpeggy.com
Blog: http://www.dearpeggy.com/blog/

Create an environment in your marriage where divorce is not an option and an affair is not an option and see what happens. If you ever think, “Well, if this doesn’t get any better, then I…” or “I wonder what it would be like to sleep with…” These kinds of thoughts undermine your commitment to the marriage and will have financial, emotional, and spiritual consequences if you continue to think about them.

What does Tiger need to do next for his marriage? Watch and find out what Gary has to say to Tiger.

Michael Smalley gives his advice for Tiger and anyone who is going through this kind of situation. Suffering through the effects of a spouse having an affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage. Watch and find out.

First things first, all the reporters, TV anchors, and sports enthusiasts who are saying that Tiger Woods must come out and say what happened are ridonculous (my new favorite word from Coach Gruden on Monday Night Football!). Why is Tiger being silent, we do not know and I would love for people to stop assuming the worst. Am I being naive? Who cares! Tiger has not proven to be untrustworthy in the past, so why assume there is some horrible thing behind what happened the other night during his minor car accident.

In fact, I’ve known a few A-list and B-list celebrities in my life, and I can assure you that the rumors by TMZ and other tabloid entities are typically totally off base and full of lies. It disgusts me that the tabloid press is not held accountable for blatant lies.

I do not know if Tiger needs marital advice, but if you ever find yourself in a situation described by the media right now for Tiger, then take the following 3 pointers to help create the possibility for restoration in your marriage:

1. Be honest. Never assume that lying will help ease the pain for your spouse. Lying always makes whatever happened even worse. Just be honest and upfront if you’ve had an affair. If you have not had an affair, but your spouse is accusing you of one, then simply validate his or her feelings. Let your spouse know that you understand why he is accusing you of the affair, and then ask what you can do to help him understand the truth of the situation. Getting defensively nasty will only confirm your spouse’s beliefs.
2. Be humble. Now this is a word that can be difficult to do, especially if you are feeling falsely accused of something. But humility is always a great attitude to help people calm down and see things more realistically. One of the definitions of humbleness is to be “courteously respectful”. You are wanting to restore the relationship, so do not get prideful and resistant to validating your spouse’s fair or unfair accusations. Relax. If you are innocent, then you will be proven innocent. The more defensive you get the more guilty you appear. Humble people are kind, relaxed, and understanding. You will need a lot of those kinds of attitudes to repair the relationship.
3. Be patient. I do not know how long it will take for your spouse to open up, and neither do you. So be ready to patiently wait. Sometimes we just need hang on and give our spouse the space to heal and open up. Do not try and rush healing because you do not want to hurt any more. Trust that your spouse will open up and give your spouse the freedom and respect to heal.

Follow these three pointers and you will give your marriage the best chance to be restored.

[UPDATE]

Here’s the statement Tiger Woods released on his website www.tigerwoods.com earlier today:

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.

Watch to see what Gary Smalley would say to Jon and Kate. It just might help your marriage as well!

Watch and find out why Julie from Texas needs to understand how her husband is lying to her about sex with other women.

Do you know how to turn your spouse on?  I mean really get your wife heated up?  Put some socks on her feet!  Okay, this is not the real tip, but it is true.  Dr. Pat Love recently shared at an event we were speaking at together that women who’s feet are warm are more interested in sex!  All this time the best thing I could have done for my wife to get her engine started was to buy some heated socks.  Dang.  That would have been a lot easier than the other things I tried.

Now for the marriage tip.  The best “emotional” way to get things heated up in the bedroom is to simply be a servant.  When you make the needs and desires of your wife number one in your life, she will naturally want to open up sexually.  When your wife feels valued and cared for, she also feels turned on.

But there’s more!

I found out once that if I’m being a really great father, that also turns my wife on!  This one was difficult for me to understand at first, and it even felt a little creepy.  But it is totally true!  The more my wife sees me playing with the kids and caring for their needs, the more she desires me sexually. She once interrupted one of my famous “smack downs” with the kids to whisper the following statement in my ear, “Watching you play with the kids right now is really turning me on.”  What?  I almost dropped my youngest on the floor.  But don’t think for a minute that I stopped playing.  The more I played, the more I got to play later on (if you no what I mean)!

Researchers estimate that 1 in 3 couples struggle with a low sex drive. This can be the number one problem for couples when it comes to sexual intimacy. I recently found some very helpful articles that address this issue and wanted to share them with you:

• Solutions for women with low sex drive (About.com)
• Solutions for males with low sex drive (About.com)
  • This one explains the reason
  • This one gives some solutions

Here’s a great quote by Michelle Weiner-Davis…
“Men, on the other hand, generally need to feel close to their partners physically before they invest a great deal of energy into their relationships. So she’s waiting for him to be more intimate emotionally and he’s waiting for her to be more tuned into him physically and the resentment that results in this waiting game is so huge, it’s beyond belief.”

The simple reality is that if you struggle with anything in your marriage, ignoring it doesn’t make the problem go away, but rather it makes the problem worse.

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