Most couples enter marriage hoping to achieve happiness. And for each of us, that vision of happiness takes a different form. Maybe you longed to be whole or competed; to have perfect kids, and a family that everyone looks up to; to live securely and comfortably; to have someone always there so you wouldn’t feel lonely, abandoned, rejected, or sad. Your goal may have been to satisfy your sexual desires; for your mate to be the lover who would love you the way you always wanted to be loved. In other words, you expected to find your “soul mate” in your husband or wife
It may surprise you to hear me say that your marriage is in big trouble when you pursue these goals. If happiness or finding your soul mate is the objective, you are more than likely setting yourself up for failure and possibly facing years of hurt and frustration. When the marriage does not fulfill your expectations you’ll wonder if there is something wrong with you or with your mate. Sadly, a person may often ask, “Did I marry the wrong person?”
Disappointment hits most couples shortly after the wedding because each partner begins to see faults and chinks in the armor of the other. That new husband or wife really needs some work. It appears that she is far from ready to meet all his needs and expectations. Instead of being sold out to her ideas of marriage, he came with his own goals—expecting her to be sold out to his. So your goal of finding happiness in your soul mate must be put aside until you change your spouse into the person you want him or her to be. You buy into the myth that will not die—that if your mate would change just a few key things, your marriage would be great.
And it’s happening all around us. Marriages in America are in a horrendous mess. Although 93% of Americans rate having a happy marriage as one of their most important objectives in life, and more than 70% believe that marriage involves a lifelong commitment that should be ended only under extreme circumstances, couples marrying for the first time in the US continue to face a 40 to 50 percent chance of divorcing, with approximately two-thirds of these divorces occurring within five to seven years of marriage. Equally disturbing is that many distressed couples never divorce, remaining in unsatisfying and/or conflicted relationships. At least one researcher suggests that fewer than half of the marriages that avoid divorce can be described as truly happy.
• Rutgers sociologists Dr. David Popenoe and Dr. Barbara Defoe Whitehead confirm these grim facts in their report on marriage titled, The State of Our Unions—The Social Health of Marriage in America, showing that key social indicators suggest a substantial weakening of the institution of marriage.
Thanks to Hollywood characters and celebrities who promote the benefits of single parenthood, being a married parent is no longer viewed as the ideal for raising a family.
Could it be that marriage has diminished to a relationship entered for the sole purpose of meeting the sexual and emotional needs of each partner? I believe that is at the heart of the problem. Today the goal in marriage is personal satisfaction. “Will my needs get met? What’s in it for me?” And the biggest question of all: “Will it be pleasurable for me?” If the marriage no longer meets the personal needs of partners, they move on to the next relationship. So what’s the solution? I’m convinced that once we understand and commit to God’s purpose in marriage instead using it for self-satisfaction, serious marriage problems will diminish greatly.
Though it seems paradoxical, this means if you want a satisfying marriage you’ve got to forget about happiness. I don’t mean that you should want to be unhappy. In fact, I don’t think that’s possible. Everyone wants to be happy. And because we want so much to be happy, we naturally make happiness our goal and set out to find the things we think will make us happy. The problem is that happiness never comes when you make it the goal. It’s like a desert mirage. It shimmers invitingly in the sunlight until you reach it, and then poof!—it vanishes. You can’t go to happiness; happiness must come to you. And it only comes as a by-product of achieving a higher goal.
Happiness doesn’t work as a goal, because meeting our terms for happiness depends on what happens around us. It requires just the right circumstances and the cooperation of other people. Unfortunately, those circumstances seldom align. That cooperation rarely happens. Furthermore, when a marriage is all about finding happiness, it creates dependency as we turn to our mate or require ideal circumstances to meet our expectations. And that dependency puts a heavy burden on the mate. It’s true that we do have something inside that is seeking completeness and fulfillment. We all yearn to connect to a source that can fulfill all our needs. But the problem comes when we misdirect that search toward the wrong object. Your mate is not that source. God, through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, can be the only source of happiness.

Michael Smalley unpacks his opinions if this woman should stay engaged to a cheating fiance.  But we want to know your opinion, should you dump a guy who cheats on you during your engagement?

Bre sez, “Fynflood used his MakerBot [ed: 3D printer] to create a ring and then proposed with it! She said yes!”The ring I printed, and then used to propose to my girlfriend.I printed it with black ABS, and then printed a small white cube and set it with some magic glue eagleapex left at Hive.I drew the 2d shape in gimp, then had a friend render it in 3d using sketchup I fail at 3D. I made some adjustments using Blender for the final print.She said yes! Now to get our MakerBot to print with white gold.

via Successful marriage proposal via 3D-printed ring.

I answer this woman’s question via my new video podcast! So what do you do when you’re dating someone way older than you and all your friends are against it?  You might be surprised by my advice.

You’re getting ready for your day and you want everything to be picture perfect—the gown, the flowers, the cake, the venue, your nail polish, and even the weather. And it better not rain, or the heavens will pay. That’s because you have high standards and you’ve been planning for months and months, so of course you expect absolute flawlessness in every possible way.

Pretty soon, as your day nears, you find that you are not having a good time. Everything is wrong. The gown has a beige hue, the cake is too sweet, and the weatherman says it’s going to rain. What will this do to your image and who you are? You bark at your husband to be, your mother, your sister, and even the darn dog. It’s not surprising to find a bride fussing over minutia. And it’s not surprising that she is driven to crazy making.

The perfectionist seems to have it all together, appearing competent and confident. However, she does not feel perfect, nor does she feel in control of her wedding or her life for that matter. This precision takes away from enjoying and engaging in the people around her. After all, that is the real point.

via The Perfect Wedding | Psychology Today.

You’re getting ready for your day and you want everything to be picture perfect—the gown, the flowers, the cake, the venue, your nail polish, and even the weather. And it better not rain, or the heavens will pay. That’s because you have high standards and you’ve been planning for months and months, so of course you expect absolute flawlessness in every possible way.

Pretty soon, as your day nears, you find that you are not having a good time. Everything is wrong. The gown has a beige hue, the cake is too sweet, and the weatherman says it’s going to rain. What will this do to your image and who you are? You bark at your husband to be, your mother, your sister, and even the darn dog. It’s not surprising to find a bride fussing over minutia. And it’s not surprising that she is driven to crazy making.

The perfectionist seems to have it all together, appearing competent and confident. However, she does not feel perfect, nor does she feel in control of her wedding or her life for that matter. This precision takes away from enjoying and engaging in the people around her. After all, that is the real point.

via The Perfect Wedding | Psychology Today.

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Seven Reasons Why Living Together Before Marriage is not a Good Idea « My Lord and My Blog

I’m preparing a sermon series based on the movie, Fireproof. As I’ve been working on this series, the issue of cohabitation has come up a few times.

This is a big issue today. I’m seeing a lot of young couples who are living together before marriage. This troubles me for several reasons, not the least of which is that living together puts a couple in a place of enormous temptation to have premarital sex, which is a sin.

A few years ago, I came across this flier on living together. It’s been helpful to me in explaining some of the other reasons why living together before marriage is not a good idea (when the sin angle isn’t enough of a deterrant ), maybe it will be helpful to someone you know.

I am so excited to read an article like the following! We need to develop a culture of marriage in this country, where brides and grooms worry more about being prepared for marriage and less about what their wedding will cost.

When Lexi Poklemba’s fiancé tried to take her to the Catoctin Mountains to surprise her with a proposal last fall, she flat out refused to go because of the weather.

“It was pouring cats and dogs,” she recalled. “I said to him, ‘You can go hiking by yourself,’ which really ruffled his feathers because everyone was waiting for the big day to happen.”

Two days later, on a clear day, he proposed to Poklemba who happily said yes, but not after a few questions.

“He is a man of many words and all he said was, ‘Will you marry me?’” she said. “I remember asking, ‘Are you for real? Is that thing really real?’”

Poklemba is in the midst of preparing for her wedding to be held this May, and like many engaged couples, she is feeling a mix of happiness and anxiety.

“Even though we’ve been dating for seven and a half years, it’s very stressful,” she said. “I’m really ready, but anxious.”

Couples, both young and old, can feel the stresses of an engagement, said Anne McKenna, director of the Marriage Resource Center of Carroll County.

“Couples get so wrapped up with all the preparations for that particular day,” she said. “It’s fun, but it’s just one day.”

The Advocate of Westminster and Finksburg

When Paul Brooks married his fiancée, Caragh Brooks, in Normal, Ill. last Friday, the guests munched on Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supremes and the bride wore a hot-pink number priced reasonably at $15.

The couple (who had the same surname even before they were married) wed at their favourite Taco Bell location, which was littered with hot sauce packets that read, “Will you marry me?”

globeandmail.com: Poor bride, crafty bride

How top secret was Fergie and Josh Duhamel’s wedding last weekend?

The invites weren’t given out until after the ceremony.

Created by invitationers Lehr & Black, Fergie and Duhamel’s invitations were “a reflection of both of their personalities,” says the Los Angeles business’s Ellen Black.

Check Out Josh & Fergie’s Wedding Invitation, Caricature – Weddings, Fergie, Josh Duhamel : People.com