In full disclosure, both my wife and I use Facebook for our personal lives and our ministry along with my dad.  Facebook has not proven to hurt or negatively impact our marriage, but I could not resist posting this very interesting study done in the United Kingdom:

Facebook is bad for your marriage according to research carried out by an online divorce service in the United Kingdom. Divorce-Online scanned their divorce petition database for the use of the word “Facebook” and found 989 instances of the word in over 5,000 divorce petitions sampled.

This means that just under 20% of all the petitions filed through the company had references to Facebook within the text of the divorce petitions.

Managing Director Mark Keenan said “I had heard from my staff that there were a lot of people saying they had found out things about their partners on Facebook and I decided to see how prevalent it was I was really surprised to see 20% of all the petitions containing references to Facebook. The most common reason seemed to be people having inappropriate sexual chats with people they were not supposed to”.

Notes to Editors:

About http://www.Divorce-Online.Co.UK

Founded in 1999, Divorce-Online is the UK leader in online divorce services and solutions that help people obtain an uncontested divorce without the need to visit a solicitor. Divorce-Online.Co.UK has helped over 60,000 couples achieve an amicable divorce.

About the research

Research for Divorce-Online was carried out on 20th December 2009 with a sample size of 5,000 divorce petitions.

So why would Facebook be mentioned in 20% of divorce petitions? My guess is that these couples were abusing the use of Facebook in several different ways:

1. Their spouse may be developing inappropriate friendships with the opposite sex. Or maybe, they are even reconnecting with old flames via Facebook.
2. Their spouse may be simply using Facebook too much.  I’ve heard of people using Facebook for over 6 to 8 hours a day! That would be way too excessive.  I think getting on Facebook for about 30 minutes in a day is decent, maybe pushing the limit, but certainly not abusive.
3. Their spouse is airing out their dirty laundry through status updates.  I’ve certainly heard of people hurt by what their spouse put on Facebook as a status update.  An inability to communicate properly could tempt someone to handle their conflict through a social media as opposed to with their spouse.

What do you think? Why else might Facebook be hurting marriages, and have you been hurt by Facebook in your own marriage?

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Very interesting look into the idea of hopelessness!  We are constantly telling couples that the most dangerous thing they can do is lose hope.

I’ve become increasingly intrigued by the topic of hope because, if anything is going to help me climb out of the Black Hole of depression, it’s a sense of hope. In their book, “Hope in the Age of Anxiety,” psychology professors Anthony Scioli and Henry Biller discuss hope from a variety of different perspectives, combining psychology with philosophy, biology, anthropology as well as the literary classics.

I went straight to chapter thirteen, of course, and read “Overcoming Hopelessness: Escape from Darkness.” The authors argue that there are nine forms of hopelessness, each related to the disruption of one or more of the basic needs that comprise hope; attachment, mastery, or survival. The authors present three “pure forms” of hopelessness resulting from breakdowns in one of these three needs or “motive systems” alienation, powerlessness, doom. There are also six “blended” forms of hopelessness which results when two needs are challenged. We can overcome hopelessness by first recognizing which of these nine types we are confronting.

For each form of hopelessness, they present a mind-body-spirit treatment cocktail, involving a restructuring of thoughts, accessing the right kind of hope-sustaining relationship, and specific spiritual practices. Armed with these prescriptions we can summon the light back into our lives.Here are the nine types of hopelessness and just some of the strategies recommended by Scioli and Biller. For the whole treatment package, consider getting your own copy of “Hope in the Age of Anxiety.”

via 9 Types of Hopelessness and How to Overcome Them | World of Psychology.

I haven’t seen this video yet, and it was pretty stinking funny!  Just watch and see for yourself.

This man is on his second marriage and he is panicked about getting divorced again, should he be worried?

Couples who are on their second marriage are at an even higher risk for divorce.  Besides learning how to resolve conflict better, what can you do to ensure your second marriage succeeds?  Easy.  Spend more time together.  If you allow step-kids, work, or conflict to get in the way of simply hanging out together, then you are doomed for failure.  There are no good excuses to skip out on hanging out together.  Even if it means telling the kids to back off for several hours while you hang out on the back porch, just do it!  You are not neglecting the kids if you are trying to keep connected and grow closer together.  Your healthy marriage will be the greatest gift you ever give the kids.

What can you do to spend time together?  Leave a comment and help others with creative ideas to spend alone time together.

I read on remarriage.com that 75% of divorced women will remarry within about 10 years after their divorce. I have an interesting thought on this fact. Why so eager to remarry? Before you close down and blow off this tip, I want you to seriously ask yourself this question. Why get remarried? There are legitimate reasons to get remarried and there are definitely illegitimate reasons to get remarried.

Some legitimate reasons to get remarried are:

• After fixing what was broken in your life with the first marriage, you find a loving and compassionate man who is equally excited to grow spiritually together and work on the new marriage together.
• After fixing what was broken in your life with the first marriage, you meet a person who fits your top 10 qualities (or deal breakers) you want in a person.
• After fixing what was broken in your life with the first marriage, you discover love (not out of desperation) but out of patience and maybe even a little surprise.

Are you catching the theme with these legitimate reasons to get remarried?  The worst thing you can do is get remarried before you’ve healed and grown from the mistakes of your first marriage.  There’s a reason that second marriage have around a 67% divorce rate.  Don’t even think about a relationship until you’ve had someone walk you through what your part was in the demise of the first marriage.  And you had a part, whether you want to admit that or not.  No one is perfect and it does not place more blame on your shoulders by acknowledging what you did to hurt the first marriage.

Heal. Learn. Grow.  Now you are ready to get remarried.

You’re remarried, you’ve probably got step kids, and now your new marriage is beginning to feel a little like your old marriage…stressed. Just agree with each other that you will not get divorced again – period. Make a covenant or contract with each other spelling out in detail your lifelong commitment to the marriage.

One of the insecurities you enter in to a second marriage with are centered around divorce. We’ve divorced before, so why not again? Who’s to say my new spouse won’t leave me like my old spouse did? These are legitimate fears, but you can not get rid of these fears by simple wishing and hoping. You need to make a statement with each other that eliminates the option of divorce.

There are several really good marriage covenants you can check out. My favorite so far is Ed Young Jr.’s marriage covenant he put together with several lawyers. What I like about this one is that it clearly outlines what you will do to get help if your marriage gets stressed out. It is important to have a plan on what to do if your new marriage finds itself in crisis. You can find Ed’s marriage covenant here.

Reassure each other with a covenant. Nothing feels better to a marriage than agreeing that divorce is not an option. You can relax and enjoy each other to the fullest when the commitment is high to stay together.

The site stayhitched.com had this to say about remarriage, “Mourning for the lost relationship with your former spouse takes a minimum of 2 years and up to 5 years to complete, whether that relationship was positive, negative or mixed. There is a mourning process with a number of stages that take time to go through.” My remarriage tip for the day is to stay single so you can go through the proper mourning of your lost marriage.

Easily the biggest mistake I encounter in our Marriage Restoration Intensive program of couples who are on their second marriage is that one (or both) got remarried too quickly. Do not be in a rush to end feelings of loneliness after a divorce. Take all the time you need in order to experience healing and restoration in your own life. You have to figure out your part in the divorce before you remarry because you will make the same mistakes again if you do not!

I understand how some of you reading this may be feeling a tad upset right now. You’re thinking, “Great advice, I’ve already remarried too quickly, so now what!” Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Yes, should you have waited until you were actually ready to get remarried? You bet. But all this means now is that you should not be surprised if your new marriage is feeling stressed out. Hopefully you now understand at least one of the main reasons your new marriage is hurting.

Now is your chance to get the help you originally needed before getting remarried. It is never too late to get help. There is always a chance to repair and restore your relationship. It just takes some work, so if you are willing, then your new marriage can succeed.

Your remarried and are completely aware of how difficult a 2nd marriage can actually be.  So what do you do when your new spouse is stressed out to the max with step kids, the X, and your own conflict?  Just ask this one question and everything will turn out okay.

“Honey (or insert your own pet phrase), what can I do for you right now?”

Now all you have to do is receive what is said without judging or criticizing what your spouse needs, and do it! This one question will help your spouse feel validated, understood, and cared for. But be careful, if you do not follow through with what was shared, you might as well get comfortable on the couch!

Divorce is not fun, and so you should avoid divorce at all costs.  I tell couples who come to our Marriage Restoration Intensive program all the time that it is worth the work to save their marriage.  I’ve included research on divorce and its effects on children, adults, and society for years.  But I have not made this research readily available online.  So here you go! The following are some great resources on the negative effects of divorce:

1. The negative effects of divorce on children
2. Why marriage matters
3. Why marriage education works

Just click on any of the titles above to download the PDF.  I want to be clear that I am not someone who hates people who divorce.  I try to love everyone, no matter what their past is or no matter how they have hurt themselves or others.  I help people who’ve never been divorced, those who are divorced, and even those who are on their 6th, 7th, and 8th marriages. Everyone deserves to be loved and to experience unconditional acceptance and grace.

What gets me angry, however, is when people try to downplay divorce, especially those people who have been divorced. Divorce stinks and it does have negative effects on children and society as a whole. In my opinion, the only valid reasons for divorce are the following:

• Affair/s have taken place and the spouse has not been loyal to the marriage vows.
• Your life has been threatened (i.e. “I am going to kill you.”) or you are being physically abused (i.e. bruising, cuts, etc).
• Emotional abuse is taking place (i.e. “You are so *&*^%$ stupid! I hate you! You are worthless!” In other words, very serious character assassinations.) I have experienced individuals who have tried to use this term unfairly because they are stressed out with their spouse.  Do not use this term lightly, and you should have your relationship evaluated by a professional psychologist before claiming emotional abuse.

Outside of these reasons, I can’t seem to agree with couples getting divorced.  Telling me that you’ve “fallen out of love” is bogus.  Saying that “you just don’t love her anymore” is bogus.  It is not smart to get divorced because you are not getting along.  The reason this is not a good idea is because your next marriage will have the exact same issues.  This is why second marriages have an even higher divorce rate!